I become destructive when I am dissatisfied with the way things are. But when does it stop? I saw on CNN today that 4.5 million people in the world are refugees because of various conflicts that arise in their country–religious, political, social… I then said to myself, “thank God you’re not one of those people! The nerve I am to constantly complain about how this shit and that shit in my life isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.”

How did I get this way? I’d like to know. So that I can undo it.

I’d like to be a better person. Sometimes I don’t like myself too much.

It’s not an easy thing, constantly being around somebody you don’t like.

Thus my theory: Time holds you in its hands. He will never fail you.

My brain hurts.

My ability to focus for extended periods of time has been seriously impaired because of the instantaneous and compact nature of the new Web, where microblogging is king, people’s thoughts are flashed before your eyes real-time, and blog entries are ridiculously compressed to effectively capture the attention of this new breed of Web users whose attention spans rival that of a child inflicted with ADHD.

Leo Babauta of Zen Habits, always a hero to my modern-day maladies, authored a blog post on how to Simplify Your Social Media Routine, and perhaps ultimately increase the quality of your life by shedding light on more effective ways to make use of your time.

Zen saves the day, once again. But for today, I think I’ll treat myself to a healthy dose of disconnection.

“Under all speech that is good for anything there lies a silence that is better. Silence is deep as Eternity; speech is shallow as Time.” – Thomas Carlyle

Lately I’ve been feeling as though there’s too much noise around me–senseless chatter of people at the office, even more inane conversations on the radio, people sending me text messages and Facebook posts every now and then, opinions (both solicited and unsolicited) here and there. Add to that the natural chaos that comes from living in a city, and you’re bound to develop Attention Deficit Disorder, or the inability to maintain focus on any single thing for more than a few moments.

I’m guilty of this myself, with all the communication tools I have at my disposal (mobile phone, Twitter, Facebook, Yahoo! Messenger), the people that I have to deal with at work on a daily basis, all the information that I process from the web (it’s part of the job), among other things. I sometimes forget to disconnect and relax as well.

Having said this, it seems that in today’s technology-centered and fast-paced lifestyles, opportunities for solitude no longer come as easily as it used to. But when it does, it’s great to be able to totally immerse myself in it.

And once I do, it’s quite a sensation, enveloping myself in complete silence. Because only then can my thoughts can finally breathe.

Self-restraint is basically an ability to suppress desires, impulses and inclinations. At my tender age of 24 I have heard from several wise people that it is an essential part of maturity, and something that you learn as you progress through the years.

Though somewhat similar to dehumanizing yourself (after all, why deny the very thing that makes us human?), self-restraint has its good points, like being able to execute diplomacy, fairness and empathy, so as to avoid causing distress for yourself and other human beings as well.

Today I thought about self-restraint a great deal, mainly because of the following reasons:

1. Laziness. I almost gave in to my impulse to skip work again, when my alarm went off and I was feeling a tad too lethargic to drag myself out of bed. And so I decided to skip work. I pondered on this irresponsible and childish act of mine for a good thirty minutes, until I finally decided to get in the shower and drive myself to the office.
   

   Lesson: Look at the bright side. Instead of thinking about unprofessional office mates, unethical bosses and doing all sorts of crap that you don’t really feel like doing, you can choose to think about getting paid for that day you decided to show up at work, busying yourself instead of letting the monsters in your head mess you up and giving your brain some exercise.

2. Insecurity. I was talking to somebody close to me about very sensitive things that involved myself, a person who has issues, just like everyone else out there. Instead of resorting to sarcasm, rage or contempt as a defense mechanism for my insecurities, I took a deep breath and thought, this, too, shall pass.
   

   Lesson: Taking a deep breath and talking slow helps. Do not attack people for their opinions. Do not raise your voice, as it only aggravates you and the person that you are talking to further. Sarcasm and anger is not healthy. If you feel angry, take time to clear your mind. Always aim to understand. Stand on both sides of the argument, not just yours.

3. Ego. I dwelt on my frustration towards the lack of professionalism or anything systematic at the company where I work. I blamed it on my peers’ lack of exposure to best corporate practices, their general lack of knowing, and my bosses’ alleged tendency to view their employees as similar to workers in a sweat shop. Instead of acting all sassy and condescending, I bit my tongue and got back to work.

Lesson: When part of a team or organization, keep in mind that it’s not always about you. If thoughts about your peers’ incompetence drives you nuts, take the role of mentor and help one another grow as a team. And should your company’s ethics totally go against your own principles, there’s always free resignation letter templates online that you can use.

I’m quite proud of what I have accomplished today, even in these very little and almost insignificant steps. It made me feel better just knowing that I did not trample over anybody’s morale or question their self-worth, whether knowingly or unknowingly.

In everything, there is always a choice, even in the things that you think about and dwell upon. A healthy mind is a powerful mind! And a positive aura keeps everybody happy, including yourself. Goodnight!

What can I write that is of value?
Can I write about not knowing?
Being on a journey to finally knowing?

I was driving on the C-5 highway at 6:30 this morning. It struck me how bright everything was, since I used to drive along this highway around the same time two months ago, and everything was still (partially) covered in darkness.

It reminded me of several things:
The quickness of time. I imagine myself as one who keeps chasing after every fleeting moment, feeling that all is lost in the abyss of the past, without my ever truly being in the present.

Grow your bones and stop being trapped inside your skull!

I noticed how I felt empty as I was driving. It all felt routinary; the highway, the dodging of jeepneys and pedestrians, the sunrise, the sleepiness that I was still struggling to shake off me, my urgency to get to work on time…

I have nothing to say but I have to keep on writing.